Balancing Act

"For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably
connected, receive a fulness of joy; And when separated, man cannot receive
a fulness of joy."

Doctrine and Covenants 93:33-34

Recently I've been asked to teach Relief Society and speak at Young Women's Camp about finding balance in health and fitness. First of all, I think it is remarkable, that I, of all people, would be looked to for any guidance in this arena. It reminds me of how far I've come. But, as I prepared thoughts for these gatherings, I've learned some very important lessons. This scripture, to me, is not just speaking of a far off resurrection. Here, I believe the Lord is teaching us that our soul is the combination of our body and our spirit and if we are only progressing in one of those areas, we cannot receive a fulness of joy. Not just that we might not, or even that He won't allow it, but that He knows we cannot achieve true happiness if we are not nurturing both our body and our spirit at the same time, in the same pace. We read, ponder and pray, but we must also move, think, and eat. We fuel our spirits carefully with scriptures, prayer, and personal study. But if we neglect our bodies by not moving or dishonor them by how we eat, then we just can't be as happy. My good friend Amanda directed me to a marvelous talk today and I pass on the info. It has taken me all day to get enough windows of time to finally listen to the entire thing, but I am so glad I did. She touches on this idea of balancing, and I especially love her thoughts on the lies that the world and satan tell us about our bodies and happiness. She points out that satan tells us we can not be as happy as we want unless we look a certain way. That is definitely one I've bought hook, line, and sinker--but I refuse to from now on. True, I'm not perfect, but yesterday I sprinted for at least 20 seconds with all three kids on the double jogger stroller and we were all laughing and screaming hysterically. So, who cares if I'll never be a supermodel. I've gotten strong enough to create that fun memory and that is pretty dang good. I was reminded of that today. Here is the link: http://www.byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=1410
(If the link doesn't work you can find her by googling BYU Education Conference 2007, Connie Sokol)

Listen and enjoy. Tonight I am extra thankful for this body and am more motivated to honor it with good reading, good hobbies, good movement, and good food. Thanks for passing it on Amanda.

Hooah!

That was for my artillery soldier Dad. That is the call of success when artillery has hit its mark. And boy did my mark get hit this week! I won't even begin to explain what I ate last Tuesday evening at an Anne of Green Gables Book Club Tea Party. Points didn't even cross my mind, except to assume that all 35 of my extra Weight Watchers points were gone by the end of the night. Chocolate torte, chocolate cake, lemon tart, deviled eggs, chicken salad sandwiches, lemonade, petit fors, hot chocolate. . . aaahhh. Still, I decided I would be fine if I stayed on track the rest of the week. My workouts are going well and today's weigh-in? Drumroll please. . . . 3 pounds gone! Oh, happy day. I only have one goal with every weigh in--to not gain. Even if it .1 pounds, I just want to go down or stay the same every week until I reach goal. I am 15 pounds away and I know it will slow way down. But, this morning as I was working out, doing squats like a champ, I took a good long look at my body, and with Miley Cyrus singing "The Climb" in the background I felt like I've made a really good climb with this body. I started over fifty pounds ago feeling crummy about myself and I've certainly felt worse than crummy many many times. Being pregnant 3 times and watching all the weight come back for a visit has been really challenging. But, I've kept going. I've kept running. I've kept getting up in the morning when Emma was up every hour last night. I've thrown it all out the window on trips with my mom, but then I've held my ground at church parties and just said no to brownies. Give and take, up and down. That is how this whole thing rolls. My husband was talking about how he thinks WW is kind of flawed in that it is designed to encourage you to eat as much as possible and still lose the weight. At first I agreed and it made me feel a little weak. But, then I've thought about it and said, "What is wrong with that??" I love to eat. I love snickerdoodles, homemade bread, brownies, and granola bars. I want to eat them. And I can. I have to learn to moderate and control and balance, but I can, and I think that is not just ok, but pretty darn impressive for anyone like me who is trying to do this. Today, after my weigh in I took a moment to fall to my knees in prayer by my bed. I thanked my Heavenly Father for helping me succeed, even when I might not have deserved such a huge success. I expressed to Him my gratitude for a body and a desire to take care of it. And I prayed for patience as I continue forward. Help me accept success, no matter how minute, with gratitude and grace. It was a nice experience.
And on a lighter note--any good, cheap, non-food rewards when I reach my pre-preg WW goal? I'm only 3 pounds away! I have another 12 pounds to go after that to reach my long dreamed of goal, but I want to celebrate getting back to Pre-Emma body!

This Saddle Feels Good

After my diet was tossed out the window and stayed on the highway for the duration of my NC trip, I picked it up on my way home and have been planted firmly back on the wagon ever since. Granted, last night during Enrichment at church I noshed two different kinds of brownies (in my defense they were ever so itty-bitty), but still I'm down about 3 pounds and most of all feeling grand. I love love my new workout plan, and so I must divulge. . .

Mondays: 40 minutes on the treadmill set on "Random" for hillwork
Tuesdays: Upper body weight work (mixed in with some combination weight exercises and ab work)
Wednesdays: 40 minutes of speed intervals on treadmill
Thursdays: Lower body weight work with combo and ab stuff
Fridays: My very own Jillian Michael's workout at the gym, meaning 2 minutes intense cardio, 2 minutes strength work, 2 minutes abs. This workout I love. It is fun to come up with different ways to work and move and I glean ideas from workout magazines online and stuff. And I steal from Jillian--ever tried Plank jumps? You get in the plank pose and then jump wide and together with your legs. This is not easy fun or enjoyable by any means.
Saturdays: Long Run! This is my favorite workout of the week. I am training for a half marathon and really enjoy this run. I take it easy, keeping my heart rate up, but not stressing about time or anything. I walk for one minute at every mile marker. This Saturday is a five mile run, and I start building from there for the race in October. So far my knees are on board with this goal. I think they are much happier since I'm doing more treadmill running.

And on the seventh day. . . I rest. I do not set my alarm for 5:30, I eat a big fun breakfast and I try to squeeze in an after church nap. Now, I know you might be shaking your head and thinking I am so awesome for doing this. And it is a really awesome plan. But, there has yet to be a 100% perfect week, but I love the idea and so I will keep planning on it. I do move every day, but sometimes things get cut short or I just don't have it in me to do the Jillian creative workout. But, I am writing down what I eat and embracing the WW lifestyle that lets me eat whatever I want while forcing me to be honest with myself. This is my life, this is my body and if I want it to change I have to change and accept the realities of calories in/calories out. I just take it all one day at a time. I eat, I move, I write, I try. When I am pushing through the last fifteen seconds of those wretched plank jumps, I pick a spot on the gym floor and I zero in on it. I tell myself, "You must do what you think you cannot do." Pretty sure that is Eleanor Roosevelt talking. I can do you this. If you are reading this and you want to do this--you can do this. We pick a spot, we focus on it, and we just keep going. My best will be good enough today. I had this goal of reaching my goal weight by Homecoming in October. It is still possible, but I've decided to remove any kind of time constraints. I will just keep writing and moving and eventually I'll get there. And along the way, my calf muscles keep catching my eye and bringing a smile to my face.

Just Me

I had a lovely visit home with my Mom this past weekend. I went to a dear friend's bridal shower and was only responsible for one other little person, a much lighter load than usual. Emma was a dream, the perfect travel companion. We only had to pull over once for a bathroom break and to feed her, she didn't steal any of my snacks and I got to listen to whatever I wanted. She is superb. I clearly had a too marvelous time, since I gained five pounds in the last week, and though there were slight other factors that might have exacerbated it, I am pretty sure at least four of the five pounds were added over the last three days. In case you wondered if that was physically possible--it totally is.
Am I trudging on? Of course. What choice do I have? Do I give in and weigh 220 pounds again? Do I backslide and live the life of free-eating? Tempting. Or do I take a day off of tracking to give myself a break in preparation for the buckling down that will dawn tomorrow. I'll vote for the final option. I stepped on some freak poison thorn yesterday at the park and so have been limping around on my aching foot ever since. I'm not sure what I'll do if I can't at least walk for exercise tomorrow. I am super excited about my exercise schedule. I think I've created a nice, well-rounded routine, that will give my body enough variety to create nice results. If I do it. And if I stop eating. And if I never see my mother again. One day I will be able to spend more than two consecutive hours in NC and not lose total dietary control. That day was not Friday. . . or Saturday. . .or Sunday. And today, I've eaten three pieces of toast and if Lucy doesn't finish the piece I gave her for lunch, I call dibs. "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. . ."---was MacBeth really all about dieting??

A Bend in the Road

If you have not read Anne of Green Gables, do so. Immediately. It doesn't count if you've watched the movie countless times while home sick from school. I've done that too, but I just finished the book for the first time yesterday. Let me share why this book has been a lovely source of enlightenment in life right now. Here's the scenario, after one blissful day where Anne had just received the Avery scholarship and all was right in the world, everything crashes down with the death of sweet Matthew andt he collapse of the bank with all their savings. She resolves to stay home with Marilla so Green Gables stays their own. In the face of the painful twist of life, she muses:
". . . my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla. I wonder how the road beyond it goes--what there is of green glory and soft, checkered light and shadows--what new landscapes--what new beauties--what curves and hills and valleys further on."

Isn't that stunning? My life has taken some unexpected bends of late. But, what an enriching way to take them on. I am certain that life will be good around each bend and I trust the Lord that the straightway I've imagined wouldn't be nearly as good for me as the curves He has planned. And how does this fit in a line of posts about my quest to lose 20 pounds? Easy. I have gotten off track a few times and tried a few different things in this path. Some bends were my own doing and I would have been better off had I not taken them, say for example had I not eaten 10 oatmeal cookies in two days. But, I took them, and I'm still standing. Yes, I tracked everything yesterday, ended up with points to spare, and wasn't even hungry. Hooray! Today, I am fairly on track and gearing up to enjoy some plum puffs and raspberry cordial at an Anne of Green Gables book club party. I'm just going to keep eating, keep writing down, keep moving, and keep embracing the bends that come my way.

What Day Am I On???

So, I've lost count on my year sans sugar adventure. Somewhere in the 360s is where I should be I'd wager, if I hadn't reset the clock several times this week. A batch of oatmeal cookies totally did me in. Again, round, butter, sugar--these are the devil's tools against me. This week someone told me that there is theoretical research reported by a third party from someone who heard it on the radio that the combination of butter and sugar is extremely addictive. Shocker. I totally subscribe to that theory.
Anyway, I still struggle. I waffle back and forth between going on the tracking plan with my dear friend Weight Watchers and eating whatever I want as long as it doesn't have any sugar in it. One plan affords me the opportunity to eat sugar in moderation. . . clearly not my forte. The other plan means no tracking or set rules, but also no cookies again, ever. Oh middle ground, where art thou?
So, I think if I want to be generally healthy, I can follow plan #2, eating what I want, but no sugar. But, I do not think I will really lose weight. And I would really really like to lose 20 pounds. I mean, how good would I look? Uber good that's how. So, I need to just suck it up and write down everything I eat and measure and portion and realize that it is a fact of life. And if I do that, then I will get there. If I eat 27 pts. a day and watch it on the splurges, I will lose weight. I really believe I can lose 20 pounds. As I look at where I was 20 pounds ago, I was somewhat content. I'd lost 30 pounds and thought I looked okay and I struggled with the motivation to take it to the next level. And yet, here I am, so darn glad I did. I am on that next level and it feels okay. It feels doable and I like how I look, but I just know there is more in me. Not trying to get to the greener grass on the other side, just trying to get where I know I can. I don't want to leave anything on the field, as they say. I want to give this weight loss thing my all-out awesome Morgen effort. And if I stay on track and exercise and my body rejects it and says "um, no thanks I think I like weighing this much actually" well then I won't feel guilty or bad or anything. Because I'll know I've given it all I am. Right now I just can't say that. Right now I'm pretty sure I can give a heck of a lot more in this self control thing. I'm holding back. Why? Fear maybe. Maybe for some reason if I become lean, I won't be myself. Will I lose Morgen if I lose 20 pounds? Maybe I identify with smart, but chubby. Pretty, but chubby. Lovely face, strong faith, nice eyes, but chubby. If I lose the weight, do I lose that nice cushy caveat that keeps me from being a little too good, a little too noticeable? Not being strikingly beautiful preserves some anonymity I think, and that makes me feel nice and safe in this average body I've maintained. I feel a real fear sometimes when I think about life as a size 10, looking the way I imagine I could look after I kiss 20 pounds goodbye. Why is that? Why would success scare us? I think we all back away from things we might be good at.
But, I am going to try hard not to overthink this. . . like I have been for the last three paragraphs. All I know is tomorrow I will write down everything I eat and keep it to 27 points. That is tomorrow. I can do that tomorrow. Tuesday, hang out in the bullpen for awhile, we'll tackle you next. Tomorrow, I track.

The ride

The other day I was feeding Emma a bottle, helping Isaac read a book, and paying bills online. That is serious multi-tasking, and I think I do that a little too much. I tend to quantify my worth by how much I can get done in a day. I think I could take a lesson or two (or more) from my two year old. She just sings her way through the day, creating songs as she goes, and her only task of the day is fiercely defending her autonomy. . . and I do mean fiercely. In any case, the other day we were swinging together and looking up at her joyfully beaming face filled my heart with a whole lot of happiness in that moment. I wasn't thinking about anything else, not what I was making for dinner, not how I was going to help Isaac learn to read, how I was going to make sure my girls had healthy relationships with food--I was only basking in the glow of the minute. It was a nice minute and I think I would have more nice minutes if I siezed upon that attitude a little more often.

The sugar-free life goes well. I tried a bite of a famed Georgetown cupcake. They won a big contest up here and someone brought me one. It was amazing, I'll admit it. I savored one bite and then passed it on to the rest of the family. I have never tasted chocolate frosting like that in my entire life. Wow.

I feel great. I've lost three pounds, which is nice, but it feels nice to not be dieting, just living in a healthier way. I am grateful for my body and going to try to embrace living in it one day at a time, one minute at the time.