She started it!

Linzie Smith. She's the one who gave me this crazy good chocolate chip cookie recipe that makes these mind-blowing-crispy-outside-chewy-inside-enormous-chocolatey-circles-of-heaven-things-called-cookies. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Wait a year to try it out? Try it and then ascertain if they were really all that just by my family's reaction? I mean, Daman never reacts to food nearly enough and so that would simply not give me any realistic indication. It was my duty. In my defense, I did walk to the grocery store to get the necessary butter.

I know I know. . . I am lame. I am weak. And I am kind of a hypocrite. But, do I get points for full disclosure? The sugar thing, even without the cookie(s) episode wasn't going so well. I hadn't had any other splurges, but I was eating butter on things I haven't had butter on since I was 12, just because I felt like I could and so I should. How lame is that? That isn't really healthy either. I have got to get a hang of this moderation thing. Weight Watchers really helps me with that. So, I think even with a no-sweet lifestyle I am going to have to track if I don't want to gradually creep back to the size and weight I've worked so hard to say goodbye too. But, I'm not throwing the sugar goal out the window. I feel really good when I stick to it. I feel discipline creeping into so many other facets and when I let it go, I let go of many other things too. I still want to be a natural, holistic, healthy eater, but I'm not to the point where I can do that without tracking and stay at a good weight. I still have 3 (or more after this week!) pounds to get back to my Pre-pregnancy weight, and even if I'm relaxing a bit on this longtime goal I've been dreaming of for years, I do want to get back to Pre-Emma Morgen. So, I am finishing up the cookie dough today, finding as many people as I can to eat the little discs of joy, and I say goodbye to them (again) for a year. I am sorry I let you down e-world. I wish I could say this is the last time. I think as time goes by it will get easier. . . right? right? Sigh. Let's just keep at it, shall we?

Bon Apetit!!

A few weeks ago I totally splurged and went to see "Julie and Julia" with a dear friend who is a fellow food and movie lover. It was a marvelous afternoon. My friend is a fabulous cook who also happens to be over six foot just like Madame Julia, so it was even more fated and wonderful. It was a fantastic film; Meryl Streep is just too incredible, and if Julia Child really was anything like Meryl depicted, then she is my new hero. She was so upbeat and brave and infectiously joyous about life and of course, food. Tonight as I ate with my kids I was doing my best Julia impression to try to entertain them and excite them over some awesome tortellini. It didn't work for them, but it made me think about how much joy I find in food, and if I took time to actually enjoy and relish the eating experience, I bet I wouldn't eat as much. I would savor more and stuff less. I wouldn't eat things I didn't really enjoy, like lame cookies and plain chocolate chips. I would reserve my palette for true deliciosity. Today I was reading an article where a woman outlined her seven steps to a healthy relationship with food. All her ideas sounded so lovely and doable. . . if you were single. One of her rules is to always eat sitting down to create a peaceful meal experience. Clearly, this woman has never had to put dinner on the table, outmanned three to one. The youngest of the opposition is bellowing out her lungs between every bite of oatmeal because it can't come fast enough. The two year old is announcing she does not like the tortellini, but is scarfing all the rosemary sweet potato fries (another recipe to the right) and if you wait to have a peaceful time, you will miss out on those completely. So, I had to snag a few tortellini--and oh yes I used my hands--as I could. I was so not relishing or savoring. I was eating in the trenches. Then the kids are in bed and I crave that decompressing mealtime that I missed out on. I want to sit and snack in peace. But, my 8pm curfew passed 20 minutes ago. I cave. I eat a banana and milk with a few grapenuts. Weak, sure, but I sat still and enjoyed it, and the m&m's remain untouched, so there. Lesson? I think even if it means eating later and at odd times, I'm not going to try to eat with the kids anymore. No snitches, no cramming lunch in my mouth while feeding Emma and pouring Lucy's water. I just won't eat until I can do it meaningfully. That's the theory anyway. I am so full of good theories.

Two words. . .

. . . Baby Shower. I hosted a casual one for a friend tonight. Nothing major, just a get together to celebrate her fourth baby. In lieu of gifts, I had sign up sheets for babysitting and meals for the next month. I think that is much more helpful than yet another blue sleeper. But, I think we all know what baby showers mean. Sugar, lots of sugar. So, I prepared with smoothies and chips and salsa (made from my garden tomatoes!) and mentally rehearsed my reaction to the plates of cookies coming my way. Luckily, there was nothing majorly chocolate except some kind of popcorn s'more concoction, but there were some tempting cookies. But, I told myself this was not going to the last baby shower ever and nothing I could taste tonight would change my life. And I was right. The smoothies were delicious, and though I fudged a bit on my 8pm eating curfew, I think overall I was very well-behaved. See recipe for salsa to the right. Fresh salsa is so easy and so good and so guilt free, I think we should eat some every day.

Fresh Start

I got a hair cut this morning. Pretty dramatic, right? I like it. And I feel like it is a perfect start to a new phase. Cute hair, trying to stop biting nails, and not even one snitch of the zuchini muffins today. And there was a bag of them sitting out all day, might I add. And I am not ashamed to admit that I heard my name being distinctly called from their general direction once or twice. Some chocolate chips in the freezer chimed in a couple of times too. But, I put in my earplugs of power and reminded myself that these are not the last muffins in the world, so there. But, I do not think I would have made it through this day without peanut butter. I love Natural peanut butter. Roasted peanuts and sea salt, blended to a sheer Omega-3 Fatty bliss. Maybe I went a little overboard with like 4 spoonfuls today, but I recall no promises of perfection in yesterday's crazy-long blog. But, I do promise that they won't all be that long. And to keep that promise, I shall end this one here. Day one went pretty darn good. Weary, but still running, and that is a good thing.

Better or Thinner??

I only have three minutes to summarize three days of thoughts, ponderings, and insights, so I better make this snappy. I've just poured out my thoughts ever so eloquently in my journal, but I have to finish a birthday story for my niece and I've put it off long enough while redesigning my background and figuring out how to put a "ticker" on my site. Look right for more details. Ain't I handy? Now, to explain the ticker.
We are almost to September. The year is halfway gone and I am wondering what I have created so far. This was a year that I wanted to focus on creation--creating a stronger, more disciplined body, and creating some written work as well. If I were grading myself, I think I'd give myself a B-. I mean, I did bring a child into the world, which is pretty darn creative, so that should seriously bump up the average, but still I am not where I thought I wanted to be. I've had intense ebbs and flows in my varying weight loss plans and visions. The writing plan has picked up nicely however. I am writing birthday stories for my nieces and nephews as gifts and having a marvelous time doing it. Hopefully a publisher will soon have a marvelous time reading it and I will achieve my dream of publication. World famous author? Probably not, but who wants all that hubbub. I digress.

So, in the last week, as I consumed 5-6 Reynolds Original Zuchini Chocolate Chip Raisin Walnut cookies in a day (Isaac and I created our own recipe--he was very excited about that) I have thought long and hard about where my body is and where I want it to be and why I want it to be there. (Remember how I said I only had 3 minutes? I've now gone 4 minutes over, but I just want to get this out there. This is probably going to be a longish post. . . sorry) I've had this "goal" weight for years, all because a long time ago there was a woman I knew that was my same height and I thought she looked so great, strong, healthy, and not crazy skinny. I asked her how much she weighed and her answer became my mecca, my zen, my point where I thought I would surely be totally happy with myself. That is now only 15 pounds away. Of course, I also once thought that I would be totally content with myself if I could only get to a size 12. I've been there awhile, and the sublime self-satisfaction ain't quite happening.

On my run on Saturday (ahem, 7.5 miles) I did alot of thinking. I thought about why I want to lose weight. Will I be a better person with 15 pounds less of me to lug around? Will I be happier? If so, why? And will my current Weight Watchers trajectory get me there? What do I really want to be like, not just look like, but really be like? In my ideal vision of Morgen, I see someone strong, healthy, and vibrant, who eats wholesome nutritious foods, and rarely eats anything refined. Right now, I'm not really that. Even on days when I stay within "points," I nibble at processed dietish foods, sneak chocolate, and squeeze every drop I can out of my calorie allowance for the day. Doing that within the WW limits could eventually carve 15 pounds off of me, but will I be a better person? Will I finally stop thinking about food so much? Will I be able to be in a room with brownies and be able to think about anything but how many of them can I eat and still have a successful weigh in tomorrow? I don't think so. Am I a believer in the Weight Watchers system? Oh heavenstobetsy yes. It has changed my life drastically. It helped me take 55 pounds off and recreated me in several ways. But, I think I've decided to focus on a new plan of which I am an even bigger fan. . . God's Diet Plan, a.k.a: "The Word of Wisdom."

To sum up: Lots of grains, fruits, veggies, with little to no meat, and nix on the refined sweet stuff. In honor of good old Thoreau, I am going to simplify, simplify, simplify. I shan't be living in a cabin in the middle of the woods (though that is tempting), but I am eliminating points, tracking, and all other dieting constrictions. And oh yes, I think I am even eliminating weigh-ins. I've decided that it is time for this to be about being a better Morgen, not just a thinner Morgen. And now, the experiment begins.

What will happen if I go a year without sugar? Will I lose weight and/or inches? Will I have more energy? Will I stop craving it? Will I feel purer and closer to the Spirit? Will I survive Halloween, Thanksgiving, and insanely overwhelming chocolate monthly cravings? I have, right now, zero ability to regulate the sweet stuff. I think if I conquer it, I will grow closer to Christ in new ways, and feel a strength in myself that I've yet to taste. And I won't sneak snickers bars on solo grocery trips because noone can see. And I won't scarf chocolate chips and then chew trident as quickly as possible in hopes that my husband won't smell or taste (kissing. . . gross I know) the chocolate in my mouth. My hope? That in a year, I will have a relationship with sweets that will enable me to have dessert on birthdays and major holidays and stop there. I will tell myself that the world will still be producing chocolate in a year, and I am pretty sure that cookies will be in existence by then too. It is only for a year.

So, here is my plan:
-No refined sugar, except in yogurt (I am trying to eat from the Superfoods list of 14 foods, and yogurt is one of them and eating straight plain yogurt sounds about as tempting as raw oysters to be honest)
-Honey, juice, and pure maple syrup are a go
-No eating after 8pm

How will this go? How will I do it? What will I learn? What will I eat on my birthday? Will I feel better about myself? These are very good questions that perhaps only I am interested in, but I am going to pretend that you are really interested in them as well, and so I will write about them. Daily, as a matter of fact. My plan--have you noticed that I really like plans?--is to jot something in here every day. Accountability is the name of the game. I believe that the Word of Wisdom is the most inspired set of health guidelines out there and I fully expect to tap into every promise the Lord has made. I know I will have treasures of knowledge opened up to me, and maybe one of those trinkets will help someone out there trying to move more, eat less, and feel happier in their skin. These bodies of ours are gifts from God, and I am going to focus a little more from now on on taking better care of it, and not just trying to shrink it.

Well, I am now about 20 minutes over my allotted writing time, and I am totally okay with that. I'm just happy to get these ideas out there and get this goal going. My dear husband just made zuchini muffins that probably taste really really good since they have 2 cups of sugar in them. I mean, really, doesn't that make them cake? Who are we kidding tossing this "bread" word around? Anyway, tomorrow morning we'll sit down for breakfee and everyone will dig into said muffins and it will be my first morning standing out a bit. I haven't told my better half about this goal. Why? Because I am more than a little ashamed that I'm setting this goal. . . again. This isn't the first time I've sworn off the demon white powder of sweetness. So, I'm sheepish to say that I'm really honestly for real going to do it this time. I want to go for it a month before I announce it officially to him, and then maybe I'll believe it more myself and then he can believe it more himself. So, tomorrow, I think I'll go for the oatmeal non-muffin version of breakfast.

I've prattled enough. I hope that you'll join me for this journey, and I hope that some nugget of this might help you have a better day. Once in awhile, I hope I can even be funny and entertaining. I'll come up with some sugar free knock knock jokes or something. But, mostly, if this is a path that sounds a little familiar to you, then maybe we can help each other tap into the Lord's goodness and show our gratitude to Him for these glorious bodies He has given us a chance to experience.

Well, good night sugary world. This is Morgen, signing off.

Can't Stop Eating.

That is pretty much it. It is called Downtown DC Stress Induced Diet Free For All. No rash, but very difficult to eradicate completely. My plan? Get through today, and have a nice long run tomorrow morning and do much much better. I really want to cut my hair and I've set it up as my reward for getting back to pre-pregnancy weight. Three pounds (now four grrr. . .) seems awfully far away today. By the way, is it tacky to ask for a roll call here? I mean, is anyone really interested in anything I'm saying? Is anyone even reading this, or am I prattling on to cyberspace about my diet plans in conceited disillusion? A simple "here" will suffice. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Up One

Blah. So, remember that goal to either stay the same or lose some fraction of a pound ever week until I reach goal? That was such a great goal, wasn't it. But apparently, my appetite was not on board with that goal and this past week I was so not eating as if I wanted to lose weight. And I didn't. I gained a pound. Earth-shattering? Not quite. But still quite a bummer. What do I expect when I eat five or six "healthy" black bean brownies and four vita-brownies (which are really great by the way)? Sure, this was over the course of a week, but I've got to be honest with myself and eat like I want to lose weight and not just exercise and expect fabulous results. So, I dust off the ambitions and zero in on a success next Tuesday. That pound is so not sticking around. Sorry little fella, you and fifteen more of your little buddies are getting the boot. No hard feelings I hope. And no more vita-brownies either.