Friday, September 30, 2011

Together Again.

Daman got the job!

We will be back together again as a family within a month. Hip Hip Hooray!

Perspective is such a wonderful thing. As we progress with stages we look back at times and wonder how we thought a certain way.

Like when I thought I was busy with a newborn that slept 3/4 of the day

Or when I thought teaching one seminary class of 26 sweet highschoolers was a draining challenge.

Or when I thought a mission was certainly the hardest thing I would ever face in my whole life.

Or when I got married and thought I loved my husband in such a deep way. I didn't know depth yet.

Or when I thought getting three kids ready and out the door to the gym by 8:30 was hard. Now it is 7:15 and I have to be dressed and showered too.

Being a stay at home mom has some draining challenges. Cooking and cleaning and planning and shopping all demand something. But, I look back now and wonder why I felt overwhelmed, because now I am doing all of those without a husband and with a job--a really demanding job. I don't mean AT ALL to say that one path is busier/harder than the other, I'm just learning so much about appreciating the stage you are in, recognizing that those challenges are unique and singular, and you never know what is going to come next. If anything these last six months have taught me, it is that there is peace in embracing the present wholeheartedly. I often forget, but when I do take things one day at a time--or one class period at a time--I begin to believe I can pretty much do whatever I set my mind to. I don't know how I will look back on this time in a few years, but I can say that I look back on these six months and as flawed as they are, I really do believe I've done my best. I've gained weight, watched more tv than I should, yelled at my kids a few times, and in general lost it more than once. But, I have not quit. I have not shirked. I have kept the faith. I have fought a good fight. And I believe I will continue.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Faith creates hope. Hope begets charity. And charity somehow convinces us that faith is worth having. That is a precious cycle. Lately hope has been a real struggle for me. I have prayed and asked for so many things. Things that, to me, have seemed like no-brainer-will-of-God sort of things. For my husband to pick up more clients so we could move back to Virginia. . . for me to get a teaching job so we could move back to Virginia. . . for my husband's headaches to stop. . . for my husband to get a job here so we could be together . . . for strength, patience, charity. . . and hope.
And nothing.
Well, the last one I feel like comes through once in awhile. But if I don't feel it, that is my fault, not His. So, my question is, why do we keep praying when we fully recognize that only the best thing is going to happen anyway and apparently we have zip idea of knowing what that best thing is? I think the reason we keep praying is because when we pray--we hope. We are saying to God "I'm telling you what I'd like not because I'm demanding it or even because I claim to know it is exactly what we need, but this is my little way of saying that I still believe." Sure I'm crying while I'm saying it, but I do, I do still believe. I'm not sure why, but I do. So, I don't know what to pray for or ask for, but I am realizing that I can hope even if I don't have a plan. Hope can give me a steady optimism to keep asking and keep trusting and keep trying to become someone who believes when life seems utterly unbelievable.
I've never been so strained. Being a new teacher, teaching a subject I've never taught and feel like I barely grasp, handling a sprained back, kids throwing up and coming up with plans for a substitute teacher when I barely know how to make them for myself has left me completely worn out and at times. . . hopeless.

Then I Step Back.

Then I count my teeth and move my body and realize that I am lucky to be alive. I look at my children and remember that even if someone else is reading them books, at the end of the day I am still their mother. And I think of a husband that is hopeful, supportive, and trying so hard to get us back together as a family again.

I don't know who all reads this blog, but might I ask for your prayers? Daman has a job interview next Wednesday. We feel great about his chances, but the many slammed doors of the last year has left me skittish and bruised, and I feel awfully nervous. This could mean being back together as a family. This could mean having our own place to live and a bed that isn't half empty anymore. This could mean alot. I am completely comfortable with the phrase "If it be thy will" and I do not pray to change God's will. But I don't see the harm in asking Him for something that perhaps He is completely okay with giving us. So, if you could keep us in your prayers, I'd be grateful. It could be a very good day. Come what may. I have hope, and I believe that is a gift that God will always give us.

Have a hopeful day.