Conquering Contradiction

Humans are complex creatures. We crave vacations, but quickly itch for routine. We want to be healthy, happy, and strong. . . . and sometimes weak, weepy, and alone. At times we have several identities battling it out inside us, each one scratching for the top position. Am I a wife first? What about a mother? And sometimes I need to be a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a comforter, or a drill sergeant. When am I just I? Identities are tricky things. I find myself caught in a tug of war with two contradictory identities. On one hand, there is the Morgen that decided to be valedictorian when she was in the 8th grade, and did it. She ran a marathon, finished grad school and had a baby in two years, teaches early morning seminary, homeschools, and finds time to scratch out a story here and there. That is an accomplished, ambitious Morgen. Then there is the other side of the coin. This is the Morgen that would eat a pan of brownies if left alone with it in the wrong mood. This is the Morgen that resolves over and over to stop biting her nails but nibbles at the first stressful moment. This is the Morgen that looks at every other woman in the room and counts the way they are better than her. I hate it when that Morgen wins.
So, I am at an impasse. I am determined to slowly, but completely align myself with the ambitious Morgen. Sometimes I get very afraid of really being healthy, really being disciplined, or truly meeting my goals. Why do we let fear stop us? Maybe the other identity is more comfortable. The "two roads" diverge and the one well traveled is so much easier to wander down. But, I want the difference. I don't like where the well-traveled path leads, and whenever I choose the other path, no matter how briefly I wander down before getting nervous, I am always always happier. So, today I take a step down the road less travelled and trust that I will enjoy "all the difference."