This Above All.
So many people have so many ideas about how everyone else should live their lives, wear their clothes, cut their hair, and pursue happiness. And too often, I listen to them. The other day, when I was running, I found a strong, steady rhythm. And it was all mine. There is a lesson there.
We cannot live completely independent of other people. Life is an experience in teamwork and compassion. But still, we must honor ourselves. And that means accepting our weaknesses, our strengths, and all the unique opportunities that come with them. I have to do this my way. I really like movies. I love books. I am not naturally someone who likes to do the exact same thing every day. I don't like group exercise, and I really don't like a hectic, busy schedule. I like hard work, but in a steady, nice rhythm. And I have a rotten tendency to sometimes blame other people for things that really only I can control.
When I was in labor with Emma, I was a rockstar in relaxation. And then it came time to push. I was terrified. I hate that part. I honestly felt like I was going to tear in two. The pain paralyzed me. I couldn't push through it. I couldn't make my body push. I was crying and trying and telling everyone to stop telling me to try harder. I thought that my body would just push her out if given enough time. Or I thought someone could surely just pull her out. Then a new nurse came in. She put her hand on my knee and said, "This baby needs out. Now." Suddenly I realized that my baby was in danger and the only one who could help was me. She had flatlined and she needed to be born. She became more important than the fear. In two strong pushes she was out. And only I could have done it.
Sometimes I think somehow someone else will make things better. I whine and cry and feel trapped and helpless in my body. The truth is my eating is the reason I've gained weight in the last year. I've let the stress and strain of our lives send me to food. And only I can stop that. If I don't like the direction I am heading, then only I can do something to change that. I can't sit around and wait for someone else. I can't believe that somehow I can just keep doing what I am doing and I will get what I want. If I want change, I have to change.
So I aim to. The past is in the past. I can beat myself up about it, or I can move on. I choose to move on. I choose to push through the fear, because I am more important than the fear. And only I can really push through it. I will do it. I will do it my way. And when I emerge on the other side, I will be stronger, happier, and wiser for it. What fears will you push through?
I will be true to myself. I will be honest with myself. I will trust myself. And I will be better for it.