Monday, February 6, 2012


No clue what to write here.

This last weekend was Ike's baptism. What a circus. He felt terribly sick the day of and was in tears while everyone else was listening to lovely prelude music in the other room. He had thrown up the night before but seemed to perk up a bit in the morning. Still, in my gut I felt peace about moving it to Sunday. Oh, that I had followed that peace.

We didn't push it. We let everyone else enjoy the program and the wonderful brunch spread I'd made and I took Isaac home and napped with him for 2 hours. We were both beat.

Parenting universe. . did I screw up???

Some have told me that I did. That I gave him too much agency, that I have embarked on the slippery slope of letting him back out of things. I see that point, but here's the thing. . what if I forced him? What if he sat in his Baptism service quietly crying and miserable? Would he learn a lesson about character or just a lesson that his mother cares more about his friends than him?The next day after church we had an abbreviated service, and he was all grins. He bounded down the hall in his white jumpsuit and happily listened to the talks. It was a wonderful day. I'm not sure if that means I did the right thing, but I do believe that he knew at the end of the day that we love him, respect him, and value baptism enough to know that it is an important and personal decision. . even for an 8 year old.

I love my kids. I miss my kids. Today I am home with two sick little girls. I'm not feeling great myself, but I have certainly enjoyed the cuddles, mopping a kitchen floor, and catching up on laundry. I want to come back home. I want to fulfill my writing dreams, with a corner nook to crank out charming little stories and novels whilst I watch my kids play in the backyard. I do really enjoy my job actually. I've grown a great deal and I enjoy these high schoolers and am thankful for the opportunity to spread some light and learning. And they make me laugh. Droopy pants, cell phone addictions, and all. I just want to be home again. . even if it means being poor. Even if it means not owning our own home. Even if it means letting go of the house we are planning on and going for a smaller, cheaper, option. Crazy? Most likely. Cold feet? Absolutely. A prompting?. . no idea. The last nine months have left me feeling awfully shaky in my ability to discern the Holy Ghost's promptings. I've felt warm and good about lots of things that haven't worked out. And this weekend really shook me up.

Validation welcome.


  1. while i know what it's like to question every parenting decision ever, i don't think you have to question this one.

    what you did was the EPITOME of teaching agency. he wasn't ready. maybe it was because he was sick. maybe it's because he was scared. but what does it matter? he wasn't ready.

    and the next day he was. and you honored his wishes.

    i think so much of what you described was about loving your son and teaching him, by example, what the precious truths of life are: that choices are important, that you have the power to choose, that what you choose has consequences, and that you respect his ability to make those choices.

    i think you did a wonderful thing. forcing a kid to get baptized doesn't do a thing to teach them those lessons. but your description of him bounding down the hall in his jumpsuit? that's a kid that's making HIS choice.

    and you're the mom who let him.

    way to go you.

    as for the other stuff...i don't know. i can't tell you what's right for your family or for your situation, because honestly everybody's just doing the best they can. but what you said about the peace you felt about moving the baptism to sunday tells me that you do, in fact, know how to discern the Spirit. give yourself credit for that, and know that you will know what you need to know when you need to know it. i know that's true.

    i have a pet theory, and it may sound unkind but i don't mean it that way. i believe that Heavenly Father gives us everything we absolutely need and no more. that's not to say that we don't get things that we want--we do, certainly--but in the moments of greatest need, we get what we need. we get exactly the amount of time we need to grade those papers before the baby wakes up, or exactly the amount of energy to chase after those kids, or exactly the amount of patience to deal with that whining child, or exactly the amount of guidance to get us one more step. we don't get an abundance of all of those things in those moments because, really, would we recognize the gift if we did? i don't think so.

    so maybe you've felt warm and fuzzy about things that haven't worked out, and maybe you're feeling scared about what's happening now. but i absolutely know that you will have the amount of guidance, quiet whispering, and understanding that you need when you need it. i promise.

    but feel validated, because i am so impressed by your choices this weekend. you did not fail anyone and any voice that tells you otherwise is not the same voice as the one who spoke peace to your heart.

  2. Thank you so much Carrie, that all helped so much.

  3. i have been there. all in due time, mo. just be patient. i have had years off and on where i worked like that, and was itching to stare out the window at my kids playing while the artist in me cranked out great compositions. still, my path led me to far better things, although be it extremely mountainous and trying. :o)