Thursday, May 21, 2009

Hello Again

I was surprised to discover that this little blog I thought I had tucked safely away along with any kind of external accountability has actually been read of late. And so, for you Amanda, I will keep on keeping on. . with many things. The last few months have been a ride. I've done Body for Life for a month, losing four pounds in the first week and then eeking out just .4 lbs off a week after that. Frustration doesn't quite cover the "want to throw the blasted scale out the window" sensation I felt bubble up inside me. Then came Florida. Then came Daman's broken arms. Then came a week of complete total reckless food abandon. . . sneaking snacks, raiding cupboards and scarfing cookies all with the excuse that it was to be my last splurge, my final hurrah before embarking on a true sugar free life. That life has yet to begin and perhaps it never will. Perhaps it never will because I just can't want to live that life enough to do it without resent and resent cracks your will when brownies stare at you screaming that you have every right to eat them darnit.
There is a very unfortunate side effect to this healthy quest of mine. In an effort to focus on becoming the body that I have in my head I've cultivated a unhealthy disdain for the body I am in right now. I look at myself in disgust and dread and feel utterly hopeless that I could really look like much of anything pretty at all. Though I did like the Body for Life plan, it put me in hyperfocus on food and body and diet and that is actually the last thing I need right now. The more I think about losing weight, the more I hate the weight that is on me and that slowly seeps into just plain hating me. And that isn't healthy, no matter your jeans size.
So, this is my new approach. I bought a scale when I got back from Florida. I weighed myself and the eyebrows shot straight up when I realized the damage wasn't nearly what I'd imagined. And I looked at that number and said, "Ok, I don't know if I'm going to lose any weight, but today I'm going to eat in a way to make sure that I don't go above that number." And the next morning--it was down! So, I said the same thing to myself: "Self, just don't go above that number." I am following Weight Watchers--using their filling foods plan, which means I don't track, but I only eat fruits, veggies, whole grains, lowfat dairy, and lean meat/beans. I write down anything outside of that and keep it within my extra "points" for the week or use any exercise points I earn. But, I've eliminated all timelines, expectations, or physical visions--or at least tried to any way. I've lost three pounds, which is great. But, I don't know if it will continue and I am trying very hard not to care. Right now I am praying to love my body. I am praying to see myself as beautiful. I am praying to care for my body as the Temple it is and trying to appreciate the fact that these legs have run a marathon, these arms have held babies, and this face has kept looking up when all it feels like doing is looking down and crying. That is a body I can and will love--even if I don't lose another pound. That said, I am certainly hoping I will and if I follow the plan, I am confident my body will travel to a healthier size, weight, and shape. But, right now what I am is what I am and I've got to start smiling at the mirror instead of scowling.


  1. Okay, first of all, you need a reality check Morgen. You need to put those BEAUTIFUL pictures of you holding Emma at her blessing on this blog. You looked absolutely STUNNING! I don't know what body YOU are looking at but the person I saw was a tall, lean and positively stunning! (In fact, in my last few weeks of pregnancy with #4, it was quite humbling to me. I have much more to lose than you obviously did.)
    I too have done WW post-baby after most of my pregnancies and have seen great success. As I was looking into it recently, I saw their new plan and was interested in trying it out. I'm glad it is working for you. I look forward to learning more about it post-delviery recovery (probably will be having a c-section). Also, I love the idea of doing the cleanse bi-annually. I'll have to wait til I'm done nursing and try that.
    Well, keep on keepin on 'cuz I'll keep readin' on. I've already passed your blog address onto some other people that may be interested so you may be getting some more readers. Hope you don't mind.
    Love you, BEAUTIFUL GIRL! And do you forget it!

  2. hey you.

    i'm not sure anyone will understand where you're coming from unless they've been in a neighborhood like the one you've come from. i think, when you've lost a lot of weight, there's still a part of your brain that still sees the old you. you still remember the person you were, the pain that came from that, and the determination that you felt to be someone different. and unfortunately, i think we forget (or can't, for some reason) to look at ourselves for who we are.

    i have found, of late, myself in the same boat as you--loathing who i am now because i am not where my ideal number says i should be. i have decided that i cannot do that and be confident with who i am and with my body--which is really important to me as i near my wedding day. i want to feel beautiful that day...and not think "oh, if i'd only lost 10 more pounds."

    so i shred because i want to feel strong. i exercise because it makes me feel like i am invincible. i push myself because i know i can and because i know it gets results. and i try to eat better because i know that i can sacrifice ice cream (but maybe not cinnamon toast) because it's a step to get me where i want to be.

    all in all, i think we need to be a whole lot kinder to ourselves. i'm beginning to think that one of satan's greatest tools is the discouragement and self-criticism that we inflict on ourselves. he doesn't need to do much to send us into a spiral if we're already doing it ourselves.

    it's hard, though. and i just wanted you to know that someone else really understands. and is struggling right there with you.

    (and you and cookies sounds like me and ice cream. sometimes, for some periods of time, you just have to say none at all. but i can't imagine a life with no ice cream at all...ever. :) )