Sometimes I wonder if keeping this blog is healthy. I eloquently set myself up for failure I fear. After my oh so self aware entry about my addictions, I promptly hop off the wagon and as soon as my husband and son hit the road for a boy's road trip, I find a heavenly peanut butter cookie recipe and cook them up just for me to enjoy while reveling in a romantic comedy. What a psycho. With the boy's away, I am enjoying the girl's weekend with me and my two little ladies. It has been awesome so far, and convinced that I will begin my new life come Sunday evening, I am eating whatever the fruit loops I want to. Waffles? check. More PB cookies? check. (seriously, these are amazing-- 1 c. pb, 1/2 c. sugar, 1/2 c. brown sugar, 1 egg, pinch of salt and 1/2 t. baking soda. . . allow me to spread the joy and fat around a bit) Slice of pizza for midmorning snack? check. I am on a rampage. But, I am having a fabulous time. I am taking one full day off the high road. I temporarily withdrawing my bid to be elected supermom, superMorgen, supereater, supereverything. I will clean the kitchen, I will read my scriptures, and I will prepare myself to start a Fast this evening to begin my year of sugarlessness. So there. I've thought that I will analog that journey. I will report each night, starting with day #365 tomorrow, and see how the ride goes. Can I do that? Will knowing that I have to report to a blogosphere that may or may not be there and may or may not be concerned with my philosophical struggle with brownies actually give me strength? Excellent questions.
We might be moving in with my mom for a year. This is a time of uncertainty in so many areas with countless variables over which I have no control. But my hands, my mouth, my legs--those are all mine. That I can control. I can always choose what to put in my mouth. I can always choose how much to move my body. And really I can always choose how to feel about those things. I will "refuse to dwell in the realm of negative thought." (President Thomas S. Monson) And by doing so I think I can discover a nice freedom. I can be free to love more and think about my body less. I will be free to go to family reunions more and worry about my skinnier sisters in law less. I can serve more and wallow less. Won't that be nice. Sure, brownies are nice too. Cinnamon rolls? They rock. And let's not forget those cookies. And maybe in a year, I'll be ready to reintroduce myself to them once in awhile. I thought once that if I could run a marathon I could do anything. I've done that, but the invincibility hasn't quite come around. I think we keep setting these crazy benchmarks for ourselves. . if I can just do _______, I can do anything. Maybe we should just day, "I'm going to do ______" and I'll feel great about it and end it there. And maybe a day off once in awhile isn't such a bad thing.
Well, I'm just getting back in the saddle and - thus - checking your blog for the first time in a week or so. And I can relate with you, Morgen. In many ways, we are perfectionists that strive to thrive in all we do. And when we fall short - BAM! - we slam ourselves with shame. Had a cookie? BAM! Pizza? BAM! Waffles for breakfast? BAM! The problem? We're beating ourselves up in the process and - thus - continuing the self-hatred cycle.
ReplyDeleteBut no matter where we live and who we live with (I'd LOVE to get a little background info on what's taking you to your mom's), we can always control what goes on in our homes, hearts and heads.
I love you, Morgen (and BTW I DO think you are Super Mom). You are amazing.