What Day Am I On???

So, I've lost count on my year sans sugar adventure. Somewhere in the 360s is where I should be I'd wager, if I hadn't reset the clock several times this week. A batch of oatmeal cookies totally did me in. Again, round, butter, sugar--these are the devil's tools against me. This week someone told me that there is theoretical research reported by a third party from someone who heard it on the radio that the combination of butter and sugar is extremely addictive. Shocker. I totally subscribe to that theory.
Anyway, I still struggle. I waffle back and forth between going on the tracking plan with my dear friend Weight Watchers and eating whatever I want as long as it doesn't have any sugar in it. One plan affords me the opportunity to eat sugar in moderation. . . clearly not my forte. The other plan means no tracking or set rules, but also no cookies again, ever. Oh middle ground, where art thou?
So, I think if I want to be generally healthy, I can follow plan #2, eating what I want, but no sugar. But, I do not think I will really lose weight. And I would really really like to lose 20 pounds. I mean, how good would I look? Uber good that's how. So, I need to just suck it up and write down everything I eat and measure and portion and realize that it is a fact of life. And if I do that, then I will get there. If I eat 27 pts. a day and watch it on the splurges, I will lose weight. I really believe I can lose 20 pounds. As I look at where I was 20 pounds ago, I was somewhat content. I'd lost 30 pounds and thought I looked okay and I struggled with the motivation to take it to the next level. And yet, here I am, so darn glad I did. I am on that next level and it feels okay. It feels doable and I like how I look, but I just know there is more in me. Not trying to get to the greener grass on the other side, just trying to get where I know I can. I don't want to leave anything on the field, as they say. I want to give this weight loss thing my all-out awesome Morgen effort. And if I stay on track and exercise and my body rejects it and says "um, no thanks I think I like weighing this much actually" well then I won't feel guilty or bad or anything. Because I'll know I've given it all I am. Right now I just can't say that. Right now I'm pretty sure I can give a heck of a lot more in this self control thing. I'm holding back. Why? Fear maybe. Maybe for some reason if I become lean, I won't be myself. Will I lose Morgen if I lose 20 pounds? Maybe I identify with smart, but chubby. Pretty, but chubby. Lovely face, strong faith, nice eyes, but chubby. If I lose the weight, do I lose that nice cushy caveat that keeps me from being a little too good, a little too noticeable? Not being strikingly beautiful preserves some anonymity I think, and that makes me feel nice and safe in this average body I've maintained. I feel a real fear sometimes when I think about life as a size 10, looking the way I imagine I could look after I kiss 20 pounds goodbye. Why is that? Why would success scare us? I think we all back away from things we might be good at.
But, I am going to try hard not to overthink this. . . like I have been for the last three paragraphs. All I know is tomorrow I will write down everything I eat and keep it to 27 points. That is tomorrow. I can do that tomorrow. Tuesday, hang out in the bullpen for awhile, we'll tackle you next. Tomorrow, I track.