Solo Time

Once in awhile I get them. Strokes of genius. Of course other times I worryI might get another kind of stroke, but this was a good 'un.

For the last week or so I've been spending a half hour of solo time with Isaac after the two little ladies were in bed. We've played Monopoly (he trounced me) and watched Disney channel and in general reminded each other how cool we are and how fun it is to hang out. Then, I had the idea to spread the joy. So, we've begun the rotation. Two go to bed, one stays up with me for a half hour for whatever they want to do. Last night, Lucy and I played Fancy Nancy. Tonight, Emma and I had ice cream and she put stickers on my legs. Fabulous.

As I was spending time tonight with Emma, a thought ran across my brain, that perhaps this is what the Lord wants when He asks us to "draw near unto Him." Maybe He just wants some solo time. In all His omnipotence, He is available for personal time whenever we want. I have no idea how that works, but I do feel confident that when I pray, I have His attention, no matter how many other millions of worthy souls are clamoring for comfort and communication as well. In that moment, I am truly important to Him. And that is how We will come to know each other. That is how I can be reminded how wonderful He is, and He can hear, from me, all about my day, my fears, my joys, and the deep thoughts in my heart that only He can understand. That is a pretty precious solo time for this daughter and her Father. I think I can make more of it.

I am so grateful to be a mother. It teaches me about God every day. I have three hilarious, creative, loud, energetic, bright, happy kids. And I really love being their mother, especially every night between 8 and 8:30 over a bowl of ice cream and a game of Monopoly.

Therewith To Be Content*

I am really grateful for the last 3 months of my life.

Here is what I am grateful for:

-My children are healthy, bright, creative, and relatively well-adjusted
-I have abandoned the habit of wasting time searching for houses in areas that I think we might one day be interested in living
-I have learned that beating yourself up about past decisions is a complete and utter waste of mortality. We do the best we can and then we move on. I have wondered if we made ill-informed decisions that have thrust us into less than ideal circumstances, but then I remember that every step of the way we have searched, pondered, prayed, and done our very best. And I believe God would have stopped us if our direction had been bad. In these last few months, perhaps learning has been more important than success.
-My marriage is stronger. We appreciate each other more. We love each other more deeply. We laugh and enjoy and have become prolific texters. I have a fabulous, caring, sensitive, funny, and super hot husband. And I think I know that more today than I did three months ago.
-I have a profoundly generous mother who lets us live with her, reacts gracefully when my children break her things, and is trying hard to be positive as she watches her daughter grapple with some very difficult things. In some ways we look at life in far different ways, but I have learned how blessed I am to have such a generous mother.

In short, I have become a better person in the last few months, and I don't know that this growth would have been possible in any other way. I don't anticipate that we are moving out of this phase anytime soon. And that is okay. I think that perhaps what I am most grateful for is that I am living in the present more now than I every have before. I am truly taking each day for what it is. Perhaps it will go well, perhaps it will not. Perhaps my kids will be calm, quiet, and love all my ideas. . . but most likely they will not. And still, life goes on. Still, I can glorify God. I can be content. He has brought me a long way in learning how to do that. I feel a new tranquility settling into my soul. That is a miracle. God is a God of miracles. Even the ones we thought we didn't want.



*PHILIPPIANS 4:11

Hidden Treasures

I've learned something important lately.

It isn't all about me.
It isn't even all about my kids, my family, or my body.

Really, it is all about God.

I've been straining and striving to get it all right, to pull it all together, to somehow valiantly rise above this dark time in our lives. I've been consumed by what I am becoming, doing, being. These are not bad focuses, but the motivation is a bit off. Maybe I've wanted to do good things so that on the other end of this I can look back with pride and say "Now look how awesomely I handled that." (I guess I can create my own adverbs when speaking with hindsight) But, that really isn't the point. The point is to say, look how beautifully the Lord carried me through this. Look how patient He was. And look what He created.

If I keep my eye single to HIS glory, and not mine, I am certain that I will be happy. I will be filled with light. That sounds so nice. I believe in God. I cherish His words in the scriptures. And while I have striven to be obedient amidst strains and struggles, I have not truly submitted. I have not sought to glorify Him. I have not consistently turned my life to Him. I have prayed when I haven't felt like it. I have read my scriptures, aching to believe the promises within. I have tried, succeeded, failed, and tried again. And still I rise again. . .

God lives. He loves. And He knows. He knows that if we live a life that glorifies Him, that will be a life filled with love, light, and hope. So, I am going to try to do that more, stripping my life of anything that blocks that view, and begin to live again. . . not just survive.*




*I learned that from WALL-E

What If Wednesday. . . .

What if I truly treated my body as a temple?

When Christ instituted the Sacrament before His suffering in Gethsemane and on Calvary, He said to His disciples, when passing them the bread, "Take, eat: this is my body." This strikes me as very profound. In a time when His soul was about to be torn with pain and then His body equally wounded, He was teaching His disciples to remember Him in a very tangible way, telling them that His body would be torn, His blood would be spilled, and they should remember that forever.

That tells me what an integral part our body plays in our ability to truly come unto Christ. His body was as critical in His role as the Savior of the World as His unblemished Spirit. The spirit and the body is the soul of man. (Doctrine and Covenants 88:15) Together they learn, together they worship, together they progress. And if our body progresses without our spirit, then our soul is not truly growing. Likewise, if our spirit is growing and straining while our body atrophies, then our soul is left stretching between them, without progression.

This is where I have been. I have been reading, praying, thinking. . . and eating. In the stress of these last few months I have felt hopeless, frustrated, angry, and alone. So, I have tried to do what I thought was best. I have read my scriptures. I have kept saying my prayers. I have written in my journal. But, in my moments of despair, I have also numbly eaten through the struggle. And it has dampened my soul. I have realized that if I neglect my body, I cannot truly learn what I need to learn or grow how I need to grow. Treating my body so poorly damages my soul and has left me feeling depressed and out of control.

So, what if it stopped? It is going to. Sometimes it feels really impossible to get back to where I used to be physically. But, I believe in the Atonement's miraculous power of change, and that applies to both body and spirit. I want it to be fast, immediate, and wonderful. But, all I really have in this life is time, right? So, I take a big breath and try to trust that though it will take time, the process will work.

What does feeding a temple as it deserves to be fed look like? Here's what I think and plan to do. I plan to focus on whole foods from four food groups: Grains, Fruits, Vegetables, and Legumes. I am cutting out some major trigger foods that do me simply no good at all: sugar, processed flour, dairy, and animal products. Science backs me up on this, but it is also something I feel really good about. I think if I truly cleanse my body, then there will be a shift in my cravings, not just in food, but in so many things. I think my body will crave more light, more learning, more love, and more joy. I think my soul will come together with a greater power to worship the Lord and fill my life with His light.

I realize everyone has different plans and approaches and just like everything in life, there are countless ways to do good things. For me, this is also a cleansing experiment. How different could I feel if I really only put wholesome things into my body? We shall see.

And, oh, thank goodness for chocolate soy milk and luna bars. . . just saying.

I don't care. .

if it was the day after I fasted.

or if I was only wearing a towel.

or if I had just run thirty minutes (ahem, on the hills setting on the treadmill. . .may I say.)


The scale said I had lost two pounds, and it is the first time in many moons that the scale has gone down and not up. If there was a notary that would've felt comfortable standing next to me in only a towel, I would have had them make it official. I am taking it and running. I am a realistic gal, so I don't aim to lose big next week, in fact maintaining would be grand. But for today, I lost.

I am a rockstar.

To Thine Own Self Be True

This Above All.

So many people have so many ideas about how everyone else should live their lives, wear their clothes, cut their hair, and pursue happiness. And too often, I listen to them. The other day, when I was running, I found a strong, steady rhythm. And it was all mine. There is a lesson there.

We cannot live completely independent of other people. Life is an experience in teamwork and compassion. But still, we must honor ourselves. And that means accepting our weaknesses, our strengths, and all the unique opportunities that come with them. I have to do this my way. I really like movies. I love books. I am not naturally someone who likes to do the exact same thing every day. I don't like group exercise, and I really don't like a hectic, busy schedule. I like hard work, but in a steady, nice rhythm. And I have a rotten tendency to sometimes blame other people for things that really only I can control.

When I was in labor with Emma, I was a rockstar in relaxation. And then it came time to push. I was terrified. I hate that part. I honestly felt like I was going to tear in two. The pain paralyzed me. I couldn't push through it. I couldn't make my body push. I was crying and trying and telling everyone to stop telling me to try harder. I thought that my body would just push her out if given enough time. Or I thought someone could surely just pull her out. Then a new nurse came in. She put her hand on my knee and said, "This baby needs out. Now." Suddenly I realized that my baby was in danger and the only one who could help was me. She had flatlined and she needed to be born. She became more important than the fear. In two strong pushes she was out. And only I could have done it.

Sometimes I think somehow someone else will make things better. I whine and cry and feel trapped and helpless in my body. The truth is my eating is the reason I've gained weight in the last year. I've let the stress and strain of our lives send me to food. And only I can stop that. If I don't like the direction I am heading, then only I can do something to change that. I can't sit around and wait for someone else. I can't believe that somehow I can just keep doing what I am doing and I will get what I want. If I want change, I have to change.

So I aim to. The past is in the past. I can beat myself up about it, or I can move on. I choose to move on. I choose to push through the fear, because I am more important than the fear. And only I can really push through it. I will do it. I will do it my way. And when I emerge on the other side, I will be stronger, happier, and wiser for it. What fears will you push through?

I will be true to myself. I will be honest with myself. I will trust myself. And I will be better for it.

Surrendering

So, what keeps you from doing it?

How do you keep going in the face of whatever it is that is hammering you?

How do you buckle-proof your knees?